I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
