he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
