Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
