Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
