ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
