I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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