Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
