I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
