I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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