I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
