I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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