Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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