i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
