Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
