before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
