The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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