I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
