it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
