me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How does it feel to date your dad?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
