Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
