I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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