I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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