I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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