God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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