he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
