Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
