I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
