I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
