waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
