God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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