Banned from zoo.
Again?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
