Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
