You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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