Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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