So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
