I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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