You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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