Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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