That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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