If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
