how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
