Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
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Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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