my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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