i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
