I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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