I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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