Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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