I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize