Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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