I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
