The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
