Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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