I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have demons in me.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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