Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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