I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
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I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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