Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
