Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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